Hairy Creatures On My Gloves

I have recently moved from the tropical north part of Australia, to New Zealand. New Zealand is the skinny little island to the right of Aussie, the little sister of our large continent. Why did you move there, you ask? Why did you leave tropical rainforest, Summer all year around, the largest reef in the world and bars being open 24/7, to come to a place known as 'The Land Of The Long White Cloud'? Well, one word. Love. Yup, engaged to a New Zoolander. Yes, I am sacrificing much for the man of my dreams. And frankly I'm a little tired of explaining this choice to NZers. So now, when people ask, I simply answer, 'Well, I was sick of spiders.' to which Kiwis always answer, 'Oh yee we don't git bug spiders hee.' Translation: They don't get big spiders here. And to be honest, this definitely sweetened the deal for me! I love seeing sharks, snakes, crocodiles and various other dangerous Aussie animals in the wild. A sighting is not as common as you may be lead to believe, and is a moment to be treasured. Spiders, however, not my thing. Don't like seeing them, don't like hearing about them, don't like them in my house. It's not like an arachnaphobia type thing, I don't scream and run and have a meltdown. I just don't like having them near me. So yaye, New Zealand, no spiders.

After recently returning from a fleeting visit to my homeland, I was kicking back on my couch in Kiwiland (NZ). All was sweet in the land of quiet people and shy furry animals. Until something came running over a couch cushion, hurtling towards me at lightning speed, it's eight hairy legs launching one in front of the other like a 50 metre sprint Olympian. It took my fastest kung fu push flip to launch myself off the couch in time, and I tell you I only just made it clear of the bite zone. There he sat, enjoying the warmth of the spot my butt had just heated for him. A brown, hairy spider the size of my palm. Not your average skinny spider either, a chunky legged, thick bodied, menacing looking beast with fangs over 3mm long! I called my Kiwi to come and catch him, and we put him in a jar. I was pretty sure this little furry friend had found his way back to NZ in my bags, all the way from Australia. We named him The Chief, and decided to keep him for other Kiwis to come and marvel at. A spider like nothing they had ever seen! Kiwis came from far and wide to sicken themselves at the sight of this deadly beast. I decided I had better find out what type of spider The Chief was, so that when showing him off I could reel off scientific facts about bites causing puss filled alcerations, eyeball rot, etc etc.

So I sent a photo to a spider lady in Auckland, asking her to identify my little beasty. Imagine my surprise and pure disgust when she identified it as a native New Zealand spider known as a Vagrant! Wait, no, that can't be right. You people don't get big hairy spiders! Right? Wrong. So I started asking around, and guess what. Not one single Kiwi I know has seen a spider in their country bigger than a fingernail. Quite a rare sighting, apparently. Yaye for me. I move all the way from the land of all creatures deadly, only to be stalked on my couch by the only hairy spider in New Zealand! The Chief passed away in his jar, despite offerings of small flies and ants to mush up. And so, I thought my Vagrant spider visiting was a thing of the past. But no. No, there was the one that ran up the curtain while we were kicking back. And my personal favourite. The one resting on my exfoliating glove. The biggest one yet. My exfoliating gloves live on the shelf that houses all my hair enhancing equipment. On reaching out for my gloves, I saw a black hair tie curled up on top them. As I reached to pick up the glove, yes only centimetres away, I realised the hair tie had a leg! And another leg! For fucks sake! When will it end! Vagrants, I don't know why you have chosen me. Maybe you think I am feeling homesick for all things fang filled? Maybe you like that I don't do regular housework and there are lots of roaches to eat? Maybe you think my love of animals will see you welcomed into my home to live out a happy life? Well my furry Vagrant friend, I'm afraid I don't enjoy being the only person in this country to see a spider bigger than a pin head. And I say this for your own good, if you come anywhere near my humble abode again, I am gunna SMOKE YOUR ASS!