Vagina Angst

I hereby warn male readers that the following discusses vaginas. I also assure you that all my future blogs will not cover girly topics, there will be a whole range of interesting tit bits. And by that I mean bits and pieces, a variety, not bits about tits. Even though, at some point, there may be bits about tits. So what, you may ask, has inspired me to discuss vaginas? Well, last night I watched a documentary called The Perfect Vagina. It was all about how modern women hate their vaginas, and the efforts they go to in an attempt to make them more asthetically appealing. It got me thinking about my own attempts at vaginal 'landscaping'. No, I won't go into any details other than to say fake tan does not work on chicken skin. Seen what it does to your knees and elbows? Yup. Damn you, porn stars and your all over tan!

When I think of these mishaps, my mind goes instantly to a phone call I recieved one day, from a very distressed friend. Before I even had a chance to say hello, my friend blasted down the phone, 'Sairze, I need your help!'. She was all choked up with tears, and my heart dropped. What had she done? My car keys already in hand ready to run to her, I gently asked what was wrong. 'Oh Sairze, I've done something really stupid, I think I need to go to hospital.' I thought Oh God what has she taken? My heart was racing, what do I do? Should I call an ambulance? Turns out, she wasn't happy with the hair on her flaps. She decided the easy solution would be to use the ole Epilady. You know, that scary little machine that plucks out your hairs one by one, all the while making a grinding sound like some kind of freaky torture tool? Well the Epilady is used to eating up short, pre shaven type hairs. When it got it's teeth around the long hair on her flaps, the thing got greedy. It chewed and chewed its way up the hair, until it's teeth unfortunately found....well.....flap. Yup, this thing had chewed onto her flap and gotten stuck there. She could not get it off. I'm afraid my reaction may not have been the one she desired. I laughed. And laughed. And laughed! And I'm still laughing right now, as I type this. As the tears rolled down my face, I tried to calm her down through my laughter. 'Try pulling it off!' I suggested. 'I HAVE! IT'S STUCK!' she screamed down the phone at me, sending me into more hysterics. Eventually she had to detach the head from the Epilady, and go to the hospital with it still in her undies, stuck on her flap. Hilarious for me, but one of the most frightening experiences my good friend has ever had.

I also worked with a lady who once attempted to give herself a Brazilian. She had been waxing herself her whole life, and was married with two kids. She decided it was time for a bald foo foo, and that her waxing skills should be up to scratch. Well, they weren't. She tore away a nice big piece of hair, and unfortunately took some of her vagina with it. Some six stitches later, some of them internal, she decided she liked the extra hair down there. She couldn't sit down properly for two weeks!

So of course, watching this vagina documentary stirred up many memories for me. At some point, the woman hosting the documentary ended up in tears, devestated at what women were willing to do to their bodies. Granted, she had just watched a young girl get part of her clitoral labia lopped off by a greasy looking Indian doctor. Disturbing. When asked why she was doing this to the only part of our body (lets be honest girls) that can actually give us an orgasm, her answer was simple. Her sister had teased her. I believe her sister's choice of words were something along the lines of 'beef curtains' and 'ham hanging down'. I know! How cruel can sisters be! Well, I have a confession to make. For a long time, I have been teasing my little sister with a similar taunt. Not at all because her vagina in any way resembles anything food like, and to be honest I haven't really seen it anyway. Except for that one time she got drunk and did 'The Turtle', but that is a story for another time. Well, what do I call her, you ask? I have been calling her...Burger Flaps. For years now. This insinuates that she has large flaps that look like the bread roll that holds your burger together. I know, terrible! And so I say to you now, lil sis, please don't get your flaps chopped off, I'm sure their real nice and nothing at all like a take away food. I promise to never call you Burger Flaps again, and to only stick with the tried and true Poo Fingers that you have become so accustomed to.

And ladies, even if your vagina did resemble some sort of take away, lets be honest. The ones who are eating it aren't fussy! Don't deny them the visual! They'd rather eat a burger with a wrinkled old bun and cheap meat,than to not be able to eat it at all. A burger is a burger when you're hungry!